


Alas and Alack, You Just Don't Call Me Back

by Chash



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 05:30:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5900155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chash/pseuds/Chash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy needs help with online dating; Clarke is definitely not the right person to do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alas and Alack, You Just Don't Call Me Back

**Bellamy** : Hey, can you proofread something for me?

**Clarke** : You know I know absolutely nothing about your field of study, right?

**Bellamy** : I do know. It has nothing to do with my field of study.   
I'm signing up for a dating site and I don't want to come across like a serial killer. 

**Clarke** : You know, the fact that you're even worried about coming across like a serial killer is worrying.   
What are you doing that sounds like a serial killer exactly?  
How do you think serial killers sound on social media???  
Is this what you learn becoming a social worker?  
I have questions.

**Bellamy** : Okay, you may be reading too much into my word choice here.  
I just don't want to unknowingly hit any red flags.  
Except red flags I actually have.

**Clarke** : So, you want to come across as a grumpy, antisocial dick, but not a misogynist or anything?

**Bellamy** : Exactly.   
That is exactly what I'm going for with my okcupid profile.

**Clarke** : Okcupid? Really? No Tinder?

**Bellamy** : It weirded me out.

**Clarke** : Do I want to know why?

**Bellamy** : I don't know. It was too easy to not think of the matches as people. Something about the swiping.   
I'm not examining the psychology too much.

**Clarke** : This from the guy who is STUDYING PSYCHOLOGY.

**Bellamy** : Not so I can analyze myself.   
Are you going to read this for me, or do I have to ask Raven?

**Clarke** : No, no.   
I want to see it.  
I'm curious now.  
How much of a serial killer do you seem like?  
I need to know, Bellamy.

**Bellamy** : As always, your support is appreciated.  
I'll email it in a sec.

*

**from** : Bellamy Blake (bellamy.r.blake@gmail.com)  
 **to** : Clarke Griffin (gruffestgriffinest@gmail.com)  
 **subject** : Does it sound like I want to wear their skin? That's always a concern.

Including the prompts so you can judge if I'm staying on-topic/being too weird.

NSA, if you're monitoring this, I want the record to show that I'm not interested in wearing anyone's skin but mine. I cannot stress this enough.

 

MY SELF SUMMARY  
According to my friends, I'm a nerdy old man trapped in a normal person's body, take that as you will. I do like watching documentaries on Netflix and telling kids to get off my lawn, so they're probably right. I have a lot of strong opinions about beer, colonialism, classical history, foster care, and the US education system. I'd say that you have to get me drunk to get me talking about them, but it's harder to get me to shut up, honestly.

WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE  
I'm in grad school, planning to become a social worker. Yes, this is a story behind why, and yes, it does have to do with my shitty childhood. I'm mostly over it, but I'd really like to prevent anyone else from having as shitty a childhood, and my social worker sucked, so I'm planning to be a better one.

Aside from that, I'm still settling in to California. I'm an east-coast guy, and I'm still confused that palm trees are real. I spend a lot of time squinting suspiciously at them.

I'M REALLY GOOD AT  
Not okcupid profiles, that's for sure.

THE FIRST THING PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME  
One time my best friend started drunkenly slurring about how many freckles I have. "Like, soooo many." Direct quote.

FAVORITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, MUSIC, AND FOOD  
Favorite books: The Iliad/The Odyssey (I like the Lattimore translation), His Dark Materials (Phillip Pullman), The Years of Rice and Salt (Kim Stanley Robinson), The Queen's Thief series (Megan Whalen Turner), Wide Sargasso Sea (Jean Rhys). Also a lot of non-fiction that I'll talk about if you want me to. It's hard to get me to shut up about books. Oh, and Harry Potter. I like Harry Potter.

I wish my favorite movies made me feel as cool as my favorite books do, but I like stupid action movies. Most of the Marvel cinematic universe, Star Wars, the entire Mad Max series, Die Hard, etc. Also period dramas. But I'll nitpick historical details in those, so most of my friends won't watch them with me anymore.

I don't watch much TV and my sister says my musical taste is "a fucking disaster."

I'll eat anything. I used to win money in high school eating the most disgusting things my friends could come up with. Ask me about growing up poor.

THE SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT  
Food, water, breathable air, family, computer with internet connection, books.

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT  
Obviously the Library of Alexandria was a huge loss, but I think we don't give enough credit to the loss of knowledge from less mainstream cultures. My best friend says this makes me some kind of antiquities hipster.

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM  
I plead the fifth.

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I'M WILLING TO ADMIT  
I raised my sister for most of her life.

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF  
Any of this sounds appealing at all, I guess.

*

**Clarke** : Obviously I want to tell you it sounds like you're going to eat their skin, but honestly, I think that looks good.   
You come across like kind of a weird nerd, but that's just truth in advertising. You're probably going to find girls who are into that.   
What picture are you going to use? I think that's riskier than the profile.   
If your picture isn't hot, no one's going to bother checking your profile anyway.

**Bellamy** : Wow, girls are shallow.

**Clarke** : I'd be telling you the same thing if you were trying to pick up guys. Everyone is shallow. Humanity is gross.

**Bellamy** : Awesome.  
For picture I was thinking the coffee shop one?

**Clarke** : ????

**Bellamy** : The one you took for your photography class senior spring? It's black and white and classy and shit. I'm wearing my glasses, I look legit.

**Clarke** : I don't know, it's been over a year.  
Do you still look like that?  
I feel like grad school might have destroyed your workout routine.

**Bellamy** : You know if you want me to send shirtless pictures, all you have to do is ask.

**Clarke** : You should think about adding that to your okcupid profile.

**Bellamy** : Thanks for the tip.  
You think that picture would be okay, though? 

**Clarke** : Yeah, it works pretty well with the vibe you've got going.  
I'm honestly impressed.  
You're really marketing yourself here.  
Any reason why?

**Bellamy** : I'm not making a ton of new friends, honestly.  
Which, okay, not surprising.  
I suck at making friends.  
But I figure online dating is the best way to get a social circle.

**Clarke** : You lost me there.

**Bellamy** : I get a girlfriend and just steal her friends.

**Clarke** : You're a criminal mastermind.

**Bellamy** : Thanks for noticing.

**Clarke** : Well, it's three hours later on this coast, which means it's my bedtime.  
But good luck with the online dating thing.  
Keep me posted.

**Bellamy** : I'm expecting you to be the one to call me with fake emergencies if shit goes wrong.

**Clarke** : Always.  
Night!

**Bellamy** : Later.

*

**Clarke** : I hate this class  
this is the worst class  
I'm dying  
why aren't you awake  
I'm DYING   
Bellamy  
help

**Bellamy** : I'm awake, I'm just ignoring you.  
I told you not to take it.  
I tried, Clarke.

**Clarke** : I thought the professor could save it!

**Bellamy** : Yeah, no, the course description was a disaster.  
How many times do I have to lecture you about colonialism before you believe me?

**Clarke** : I'm in an ART HISTORY program.  
I thought I was safe!!

**Bellamy** : Plenty of art is propaganda.

**Clarke** : I was hoping for sympathy.  
Tell me something interesting.  
Are you getting dates?  
Do you really just hang out in California poking at weird vegetation?  
That's not what I imagined you doing out there.

**Bellamy** : What do you imagine me doing out here?  
Tell me more about these Californian fantasies.  
In detail.

**Clarke** : Never mind, I just pictured it, it's totally plausible.  
Seriously, how's okcupid?

**Bellamy** : ok  
cupid

**Clarke** : I hate you.

**Bellamy** : It's fine.  
Apparently I need to be more proactive.

**Clarke** : So, no one is messaging you.

**Bellamy** : It's the culture of the site.

**Clarke** : have you been conducting anthropological research on okcupid  
is that what's happening

**Bellamy** : This is according to Gina.

**Clarke** : Gina?

**Bellamy** : My bartender.

**Clarke** : I really should have worked harder to get us into grad programs in the same part of the country, your life sounds like a disaster.  
You have a bartender??  
Like a dedicated one?  
Do you go in every night and talk about how nerdy and alone you are?  
Set the stage for me.

**Bellamy** : I go in a couple nights a week with my classmates.  
Don't get carried away with your visions of my sadness, okay?  
I'm very cool.

**Clarke** : Uh huh.  
You know I'm your best friend, right?  
I know you do, you quoted me as your best friend in your okcupid profile.  
Twice.  
You aren't going to fool me.

**Bellamy** : It's a campus bar.  
I hang out there with other people.  
It makes me feel like I'm on a sitcom.

**Clarke** : And you were asking the bartender for okcupid advice?

**Bellamy** : It might have been her idea.  
Okcupid, I mean.  
I got drunk and started rambling at her about how Tinder freaks me out.  
And she told me okcupid might be a better fit.  
So the other night she asked me how it was going and gave me some pointers.

**Clarke** : Ah.

**Bellamy** : Ah, what?

**Clarke** : I was acknowledging your statement.  
Why are you up so early anyway?

**Bellamy** : Finishing my reading.  
O called last night, derailed me, so I just set my alarm early.

**Clarke** : Shit.  
Everything okay?

**Bellamy** : Yeah, everything's fine.  
She got into a fight with her roommate.  
But even she acknowledged it was dumb shit.  
I just don't like being this far away from her. I'm pretty sure it's good for us, but I still don't like it.

**Clarke** : Just one more reason to move back to the east coast once you're done with school.

**Bellamy** : What are the others?

**Clarke** : Me, me, and me.  
Oh and Miller.  
Your co-best-friends.

**Bellamy** : How could I forget?  
Okay, deal with your awful class on your own.  
I need to actually finish this reading.

**Clarke** : I can't believe you're abandoning me.

**Bellamy** : You definitely can.  
Later.

*

**Bellamy** : I don't know how to online date.

**Clarke** : Neither do I.  
I'm in a tiny grad program in the middle of nowhere.  
I downloaded Tinder and it just gave me a frowny face emoji and a banner that said FOREVER ALONE.   
Isn't this the kind of thing you should be asking your bartender?

**Bellamy** : I don't think she knows in detail how pathetic I am.  
I'm trying to prevent that for as long as possible.  
I think I might be able to appear cool until I graduate.  
That's just another year.

**Clarke** : You remember that you got drunk and told her you find Tinder weird and dehumanizing, right?  
She definitely knows.  
What's the problem with online dating?

**Bellamy** : I'm sending out messages.  
Using the bartender's advice.

**Clarke** : Which was?

**Bellamy** : Send messages based on actual content from the profile.  
2-3 short paragraphs.  
Ask at least two questions.  
Never say "I want to be in you" or "send nudes."

**Clarke** : Online dating sounds complicated.  
"I want to be in you" is my go-to pickup line.

**Bellamy** : I know, it's good you can't do it.  
So I'm sending kind of competent messages and getting replies.  
And then it falls apart.

**Clarke** : That's when?  
I'm surprised it's that early.  
Or that late.  
I would have guessed "before the message goes out" or "when you have to meet up."

**Bellamy** : It's the meeting up.  
When do I suggest that?  
I've been talking to this girl about our favorite cheeses for a week.  
I don't know where to go from here.

**Clarke** : God, I really miss you.

**Bellamy** : I miss you too.

**Clarke** : Do you want to meet her? I'm having trouble picturing this first date.

**Bellamy** : She's hot and her profile says she spends a lot of time thinking about crushing the patriarchy.  
So yeah.  
Also I feel weird talking to more than one person at once, so I should probably either meet her or stop talking to her.  
Am I supposed to feel weird about that?

**Clarke** : Again, I don't know anything about online dating.  
But I assume no?  
I think you're supposed to talk to a bunch of people.  
Or as many as you want.  
Have you considered just saying, "This is great, do you want to meet up and continue this conversation in person?"  
And give a couple ideas for days.

**Bellamy** : You think that would work?

**Clarke** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Bellamy** : Awesome, thanks.

*

**Octavia** : why is bell online dating

**Clarke** : It's complicated.  
I think peer pressure from his bartender was involved.  
Why?

**Octavia** : does he not get that you're gonna marry him??????

**Clarke** : I'm honestly not sure how to respond to that.

**Octavia** : you are, tho

[seen 10:04 pm]

*

**Bellamy** : Please call.  
Immediately.  
My date wants me to go clubbing.  
I don't know how to get out of this situation.  
Pretend you're on fire.

*

**Clarke** : Is it incestuous to go out with someone in my grad program?

**Bellamy** : I'm glad I'm your go-to source on incest.

**Clarke** : Always.  
Seriously this girl in the class below mine is hitting on me.

**Bellamy** : Pics or it didn't happen.

**Clarke** : Pics of a girl hitting on me?

**Bellamy** : I miss seeing girls hitting on you.  
Let me live vicariously.  
But seriously I don't think that's bad?  
She's not even in the same class as you are.  
And you never worried about dating people in your major in college, right?

**Clarke** : Yeah but there were at least 100 art history majors in our class alone.  
There are like 30 people in my entire program.  
Both years.

**Bellamy** : I don't think that makes it incest.  
Just awkward if it goes wrong.  
Which is different from incest.  
You do understand what incest is, right?

**Clarke** : Do you think it's a good idea?

**Bellamy** : Honestly, I don't really have enough information to judge.  
I'd say the fact that you're worrying about this is a bad sign, honestly.  
I know you're not exactly an optimist when it comes to relationships, and I get that. But I think it's a bad idea to try to start something when you're already worrying about how it could go wrong.

**Clarke** : This might be why I never start anything.

**Bellamy** : How often does this happen?  
I thought you didn't have any dating prospects to begin with.

**Clarke** : It happened in college sometimes.  
Like, senior year.  
I would have dated someone, you know?  
But we were graduating and we'd be in different places and it just seemed like  
It just wouldn't have worked out.  
It's such a shitty time to start something.  
We'd be long distance and it would just suck.  
Not that long distance is inherently bad but I really liked him so much and I hated knowing we were gonna be on other sides of the country and I didn't think I could handle dating him for a few months and then not being able to see him for two years.  
So I didn't say anything.

**Bellamy** : You never told me that.

**Clarke** : No.  
I never did.

*

**Nathan** : Why is Bellamy asking me for dating advice?

**Clarke** : I don't know.  
Tell him to ask his bartender.  
What's he asking?

**Nathan** : Jesus, I don't want to deal with this remotely.  
He's trying to hit on his bartender.  
What the fuck do you guys talk about?

**Clarke** : Not a lot, recently.  
I kind of told him I wished I'd made a move in college.  
And now we're awkward.  
So I'm pretty sure you're on dating advice for the foreseeable future.

**Nathan** : I hate you guys.

**Clarke** : I know.  
He's a disaster at dating, sorry.  
Good luck with that.

**Nathan** : I'm going to tell him to talk to you.

**Clarke** : Tell him I hope it goes well with his bartender.

**Nathan** : I'm not lying to him for you.

**Clarke** : It's not a lie.  
I do hope that.  
Just because I'm being stupid about him doesn't mean he has to be stupid about me.

**Nathan** : You guys are complete fucking idiots.  
Seriously, I'm telling him to call you.

**Clarke** : Joke's on you, Bellamy barely remembers his phone has a phone function.  
Sorry, Miller.

**Nathan** : Yeah, yeah.  
Miss you too.

*

**from** : Bellamy Blake (bellamy.r.blake@gmail.com)  
 **to** : Clarke Griffin (gruffestgriffinest@gmail.com)  
 **subject** : Story time

So here's what happened:

1\. I felt pathetic for not having a social life.  
2\. I tried Tinder.  
3\. We've talked about Tinder.  
4\. I got drunk and told this pretty bartender how much I suck at Tinder.  
5\. She told me to try okcupid.  
6\. I also suck at okcupid.  
7\. I suck at dating.  
8\. The pretty bartender found me on okcupid and messaged me.  
9\. I asked Miller how to turn her down without being an asshole or jeopardizing my ability to go to the bar for my only regular social engagement.  
10\. Miller translated that into me trying to hit on the bartender and texted you.

And, you know, between every one of those I'm talking to you because you're my best friend. And none of this would be happening if we lived in the same place.

So, where are you planning to go after you graduate? I wasn't going to ask, but someone has to. Let me know where you're going to be and I'll make sure I get there.

*

**Clarke** : http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/search/hea

**Bellamy** : DC? Really?

**Clarke** : You don't like DC?

**Bellamy** : Closer to your mom than I expected you to want to be.  
Also you're going to fight a republican.  
Or I am.  
Probably both.

**Clarke** : You said Boston was too cold.

**Bellamy** : Yeah, but palm trees are fucking weird.  
Cold is better.  
And Miller's in Boston. O's in New Hampshire.

**Clarke** : So you really want to go to Boston, but you didn't want to just say that?

**Bellamy** : Do you know how many times I wrote and rewrote that email?  
And it's not like I could get you to proofread it for me.  
I was trying to be cool.

**Clarke** : You could have asked me to proofread it.

**Bellamy** : Okay, cool.  
Next time I write an email about how I'm in love with you, I'll have you check it over first.

**Clarke** : Yeah, I think that would be best.  
So, Boston?

**Bellamy** : Unless you like NYC better, but it's fucking expensive and I'm poor.

**Clarke** : No, I like Boston.  
How did it go with the bartender?

**Bellamy** : Hard to say.  
Miller wouldn't talk to me about my issues so I just kind of word-vomited on her instead.  
You'd be proud of me.  
It was a disaster.

**Clarke** : I'm always proud of you.

**Bellamy** : She told me told deactivate my okcupid account and talk to you.  
And she gave me a free drink.  
So I guess we're good? She probably thinks she dodged a bullet.

**Clarke** : She probably did.  
So, what are you doing for spring break?

**Bellamy** : You.

**Clarke** : Good answer.


End file.
